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I never really love them
I love who I think they are
When we get together,
It never feels comfortable
But I cling to the glimmer of hope
That this time is different
They hold my heart and jerk me around
While I distantly cling to them
It feels so wrong
And leaves me so confused
I always blame them for hurting me
But whose fault is it really?
Is it mine for being so naive?
Or theirs for taking atvantage of me?
Little Girl in the Nursing Home
I remember sitting in your room
As close to the door as I could get
Eleven years old and scared of death
I wanted nothing more than to get out of there.
Not to get away from you,
But to get away from THEM.
The people around you.
Dying, living each day alone in their minds.
Eleven years old and scared of death
I wanted to be home reading my teeny-bopper magazines
Not here watching you age into a stranger
Who’d soon forget me.
Not that you’d want to remember such a selfish little girl.
Eleven years old and scared of death
I asked if it was time to go.
We left a few minutes later, never to return.
The guilt didn’t hit me until a few years later.
I was digging through a box of cards from when I was born.
One from you stood out
So filled with love for me, even as a baby
A stranger in the world who didn’t even know you.
Fifteen years old and still scared of death;
I cried for the woman I never let myself know.
The Doll:
On a shelf in the toystore known as
Love
There sits a girl called The Doll
Her previous owner
left her scarred
And Broken
For two long years no one else would
Take her home
Some came and played with her
One in particular catching her eye
Then one September day
The Doll's dreams came true
The boy who caught her
eye
Came to take her home
The Doll loves this boy as she has loved
No other
She likes it when he tells her
that she's pretty
But she likes it best when he holds her close
And kisses her
Then one day the boy abrubtly returned
The Doll
To the Toystore
2/21/01
Hot tears burn the skin
She is blistered and broken
Boiling blood longs to meet
The gleaming blade
She
wants to die
A wall of anger keeps intruders out
No one can get close
She likes it that way
A lake of pain
rises to drown her
She welcomes it with apathy
Waves of sorrow rise from her eyes
She is left blind
Her friends
and family can't reach her
She is going to die alone
Unless he comes to save her
5/3/01
Dear Eli, Part 2
I gave you my heart
And you smashed it so hard
That Im still trying to find all
of the pieces
I treated you like gold
You treated me like dirt
You told me you loved me
As you lie in the
arms of someone else
When I got angry with you
You always managed to cast the blame
On me
You convinced me
it was my fault
Every time
But now I see the truth
I see you for who you did
4/27/01
I Miss You
Silent tears my only company
On this warm and empty night
I reach for you companionship
Forgetting
that youre gone
I miss you so much I can hardly breathe
My loneliness is overwhelming
I should be over you, but
Im not
I love you just as much as I always have
I long for you to come and rescue me
From my dark and suffocating
prison
Where did you go after you broke me?
Are you happier without me?
Or is a piece of you missing too?
5/10/01
Jack
She sits by his side and holds his cold,
limp hand urging him to wake up
Urging him to come back
to her,
hoping her love can bring him back
Something has taken hold of his body
And made him weak
Something
has made him so sick
he is too weak to love her back
Too weak to even open his eyes
But still she hopes that he
will awaken,
from his deep and deadly slumber
She hold on to the hope
that him and his love will be brought
back
to her
For she knows that without his love
she will be dead
No matter how many promises she makes to him to go
on
she will break every one
His love for her is what keeps her alive
It has been too long since she has heard
him say it
And now she is slowly dying inside as he is
On the outside
So she will continue to sit by his side,
she will hold his hand
Until he opens his eyes, and brings back her world
I scrape the frozen tears from my face
And toss them over my shoulder.
Your hold over me is gone;
I no longer need to carry reminders of you.
Ever since you ran away from me
Youve been glancing behind you
To make sure Im still following you
Like a mindless disciple
Now you can watch me as I run past you
Never to look back.
I may live in denial
But I love him
And that's all that really matters
4/19/01
WHY?
My corrupt mind fills with images of self destruction
Blood filled tears wash away the goodness
And replace it with fear
The deep pits of depression threaten to pull me in
I reach for something, anything
To keep me from falling over the edge
Why do I feel this way?
I have everything I could ask for
Yet somehow it's not enough
To keep these feelings from surfacing
What is wrong with me?
2/28/01
Will anyone is this cold world
Ever take the time to love the real me?
I have plenty of people who love me for
my body, my looks, and what that can get from me in a dark parking lot
But do any of these men love Kristin herself?
Somehow I doubt it
But are they really the ones to blame for my predicament?
I continuously let people who hurt me get close to me
And push away the people that only want to help
Am I really so horrible a judge of character?
Or do I have some dark desire to have my heart broken so many times,
that I'll never put it back together?
Untill I meet someone right for me
I guess I'll never know
1/30/02
In Aaron's Car
Sitting in your car in a dark parking lot
A deafning silence between us
Your mind is full of things you'd like to say
But my unpredictable reaction keeps you quiet
Instead you reach across the gearshift and take my hand
A sign of your support for whatever tonight's unknown problem may be
I snatch my hand away roughly
Leaving you frustrated with confusion
You love me unconditionally
And I can't even meet your eyes.
You never wanted me, you just needed me
Never
mind that I started to care
You always had the intention of use then flee.
You never wanted anything more than to
be free
To use whoever happened to be there
You never wanted me, you just needed me.
Did you get up when I feel
asleep at three?
Or did you lhold me and pretend to care?
You always had the intention of use then flee.
Did
you ever wonder what you and I could be?
Or did you decide our fate the moment I came to your lair?
You never wanted
me, you just needed me.
Did your eyes ever light up at the thought of me?
Or did I always receive that cold glare?
You
always had the intention of use then flee.
I realize now I want to be free
Of thoughts of you, your eyes, your soft
hair
You never wanted me, you just needed me
You always had the intention of use then flee.
Tonight's Forecast Includes Storms Along the Shoreline
For Dave
They sit by the shore, preparing for their nightly discussion.
As they talk, her temper builds
Like storm clouds on the horizon
His weariness churns
Making the calm waters choppy
Night after night he takes her waves of insecurity with no question
This endless cycle is wearing him down
The high tide of her anger comes crashing in
Each insult washing a piece of them away
Leaving them cold and broken
A ray of hope breaks through the clouds
And the ocean of rage begins to subside
As the sun bathes the shore in warm light
It's hard to tell there ever was a storm
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